Battle of the books: Nadine Dorries vs Boris Johnson
Nadine Dorries and Boris Johnson both wrote novels, but whose writing is best? To save you the hassle of actually reading either of them, we’ve done the dirty work for you and ranked one of Dorries’s bestsellers and Johnson’s sole thriller side by side.
Ruby Flynn – Nadine Dorries (2015)
Ahead of the much anticipated – and much delayed – release of Nadine Dorries’s tell-all ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Boris Johnson’, we thought we’d give one of her 16 previous literary forays a go. In ‘Ruby Flynn’, Dorries leaves the drudgeries of Westminster for rural Ireland, where romance, scandals and hauntings ensue.
Originality
Nadine’s heroine Ruby is an ill-fated orphan who escapes provincial life to become a servant in a stately manor, only to have the master of said manor fall wildly in love and leave his previous wife for her. The Bronte-Dorries influence is not a well studied literary connection, but we could guess the former culture secretary might be familiar with Jane Eyre.
Pacing
This book may as well have ended every chapter with a dot dot dot… it’s not subtle but we’re not saying we didn’t read on.
Smut
Over 300 pages of above board romance had us worried for a second, but Ruby’s pre-epilogue awakening showed one page was all Nadine needed to raise the temperature. If she’s writing from experience, we’re certainly jealous.
The public’s judgement
Dorries’s fanbase (who are, apparently, numerous) loved it. Others, though, were less enthusiastic. “It was easy to read,” said one Goodreads user. “But I wouldn’t recommend it.”
PR value
Aside from adding valuable fodder to the Twitter account Daily Dorries – which posts routine extracts of her steamiest work – this book serves no immediate political purpose. As its just one out of 16 novels Dorries has produced, Morning Wire has concluded that the former MP for Mid-Beds really is just mad on writing.
Seventy Two Virgins – Boris Johnson (2004)
Long before Boris Johnson was trying to eradicate pangolin-derived viruses with a hairdryer up his nose (allegedly), the former prime minister fancied himself a novelist. Johnson’s flair for fiction may not come as a surprise, but his ‘comedy’ about a terrorist plot on parliament certainly proves a striking read.
Originality
While a bumbling politician cycling around Westminster as he desperately tries to contain a PR scandal about himself may not seem so far-fetched, Johnson’s elaborate tale of a terrorist-plot-on-parliament-turned-global-reality-TV-show is certainly novel.
Said character’s gorgeous 23-year-old assistant’s crush on him gets points for imagination too.
Pacing
Despite the novel’s timeframe spanning just three and a half hours, this is a painfully long read. And despite the plot’s high stakes, it is rarely compelling.
Smut
A dashing but problematic boyfriend who tricks our heroine into collaborating in a terrorist plot… A plethora of penis jokes were not enough to save this.
The public’s judgement
As Ed off Goodreads surmises: “I have not gotten to the end of this book, but I have certainly finished reading it.”
PR value
Remarkably – and despite hours spent ruminating the point – Morning Wire has found it difficult to ascertain any obvious public relations-informed reason for a newish MP to write this offensive, floppy, prolonged and ultimately unsuccessful novel. Maybe Johnson just wanted to be a ‘novelist’. Or he just needed a distraction from the day job.
Morning Wire’s verdict
After poring over both these carefully selected texts, Morning Wire’s esteemed literary panel was hard-pushed to elect a winner. Over a lengthy, sober dinner we found ourselves lurching like a shopping trolley across different debates.
Does the drive to write align with the urge to opine, or the drive to legislate? Does a novel have to carry a message? Is it possible to produce a fully apolitical piece of work? Whose idea was it that we read these again? Unanswerable questions – and after hours spent philosophising things eventually became clear. Dorries, whose work is a gracious 20 pages shorter than Johnson’s, is our winner.