I’m trying not to scream at my ex-lover/colleague
VEXED IN THE CITY
SOLVING YOUR RECESSION PROBLEMS
DEAR VEXED: I had an affair with a colleague that ended recently. He’s now seeing someone else outside work and won’t shut up about it. It’s making me miserable and I’m afraid I’ll have an outburst soon if something doesn’t change. Is there anything I can do to ease my discomfort while staying professional? Charlotte, 30, commodities trader
NOTHING is more upsetting than the sight of someone you’ve been involved with enjoying themselves with someone else. I also understand your concern about a possible outburst – this is one of those things where feelings are very difficult to master. The very mention of an ex’s name can cause an accelerated heartbeat, stab of stomach pain and blushing – having to witness him talking about someone else is tantamount to electric shocks being pulsated through your body throughout the day with an extra helping of emotional pain and loathing.
That aside, I’m afraid I can only tell you that you’ve made your bed and now you must lie in it. Time and again, I advise against office romances – you have everything to lose from them and only a small chance of gain. That said, 17 per cent of UK couples meet at work, so it’s clearly a temptation many fall prey to – and a worthwhile one if you think you’ve found your life partner.
But sister, you haven’t found your life partner. You took that risk and you lost, and now you’re stuck with it. He’s being a tosser, clearly, to rub it in your face in this way. But it’s his prerogative, as Britney Spears might say, and indeed you could take a leaf out of his book and go off with someone outside work too.
As for getting through the next few weeks without incident, it’s a matter of mindfulness. Try to recognise the thinking patterns and triggers that are driving you wild. Once you just acknowledge that that’s all they are – functions of your brain – you’ll gain some perspective and even a spot of zen. Then, it’s a case of willpower. Sorry, but no explosions, crying fits or urgent private meetings with this guy in the kitchen. You just have to steel yourself against your emotions and keep shtum. It’ll get easier faster that way.
Practically, focus on men outside work. Go out with friends you don’t work with. Go online. Once you see a world of eligible, tasty bachelors that aren’t him – and don’t threaten your job performance or happiness – you’ll just look back on the affair as an oddity from the past.
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