Is this the UK’s most fun staycation?
Adam Bloodworth checks into Mad Swans, the UK’s most provocative new British countryside staycation. This piece is published in Morning Wire The Magazine, Winter edition, distributed at major Tube stations and available to pick up from The Royal Exchange.
I love nothing more than a staycation in the British countryside – but let’s be honest, the hotels can feel samey-samey. Everything on the menu is locally sourced, croquet sets adorn the manicured lawns and Farrow & Ball’s Forest Green slathers the walls.
So for my latest countryside escapade I opted for something different – Mad Swans, a new Center Parcs-style resort near Bath, which is completely batty. The website encourages visitors to blast music from their golf buggies, which come with speakers and beer fridges. Everything is painted in primary colours, and marketing material shows people in hysterics rather than pouting and looking cool. It feels like Mad Swans is doing something few other UK hotels are doing: asking guests to have fun.
We live in an age where luxury hotels are designed to be as vague as possible with their design choices, so as to not put anyone off. That way they welcome the widest remit, from the Middle East to the Deep South of America.
Not so at Mad Swans, which in fairness isn’t just about getting pissed on a golf course: it has padel, pickleball, crazy golf, a driving range serving beer and pizza, guest cabins, a late-night hangout with darts and shuffleboard and what is branded the UK’s only 12-hole golf course.
It has royally hacked off locals. They remember Mad Swans as Farrington Park, a conventional sort golf club that opened in 1994 but shuttered last year. The former club lounge has been turned into the whimsically-themed Potting Shed, a restaurant decorated with all the colours of the rainbow. Waiters recall the stained carpets and staid atmosphere of Farrington Park, and are constantly confronted by confused locals who walk in and wonder why their comfy old club is now an eccentric adult play space.
The new staycation trend: out with beige luxury, in with pops of primary colour
It’s not only the vibe that infuriates former members, but the new 12-hole course, which is admittedly not really ‘a thing’ but is arguably more accessible to newbies than a traditional 18-hole (but presumably less accessible than the more common nine hole course – it’s best not to think too hard about it).
“We learned that golf began as a 12-hole sport,” says Joel Cadbury – yes, that Cadbury – founder of Mad Swans. “We then learned that Jack Nicklaus, the greatest golfer ever, said golf should go back to being a 12 hole sport, and Tiger Woods came out four years ago and said it should go back to being 12 hole.” Fact check: golf began with a varying number of holes, depending on the land available, but Nicklaus and Woods’ backing is impressive nonetheless.
I check in one graphite grey November afternoon, ditch my bags and head straight for the driving range, which – shock horror – isn’t like any other driving range. Noughties indie blasts from speakers, and beers and pizza are served to comfy sofas for those who’d rather test their liver than their swing. Everything is neon green. This is a little bit about golf and a lot about the sesh. It is also useful for newbies: I had played golf once before and spent two hours not hitting the ball, so I had a place to practice my swing and dance to some banging indie tunes.
Then we went on safari. Dumping our clubs on a golf buggy decorated in neon green camouflage, my friend wacked some Busta Rhymes on the soundsystem. We played some golf and went joyriding, the playlist veering from Dean Martin to 50 Cent and The Maccabees. We drank strong rum cocktails and tinnies of independent British pale ales and, in between haring around, thwacked a ball or two.
Mad Swans currently has eight bedrooms in two cabins in configurations of four, but has big plans for expansion. Monochrome fixtures and fittings break from the primary colours of the restaurant and lobby, a small acknowledgement, perhaps, that we are adults after all. Outside you can see a newly installed lake, although landscaping is ongoing and new staycation cabins were being built during my stay.
There are other ways Mad Swans lives up to its name. Cadbury scrunches up his face and waves his arms about in excitement when describing the surprise that greets corporate groups at breakfast. Instead of the usual pastries, the chef makes one giant croissant a metre-and-a-half long that up to 12 guests can tear apart. “The whole spirit of the meeting is lifted,” says Cadbury, who wears a purple scarf in what appears to be the exact same shade as the famous chocolate company’s branding. Is it tonally matched? “No,” says the entrepreneur in a break from the chat about giant croissants. “It’s give or take.”
I didn’t get to try the croissant but the rest of the food, from head chef Steve Rooney with input from Michelin starred chef Ollie Dabbous, is very good. Don’t miss the hay smoked whole chicken.
Mad Swans plays into a wider trend across the country. The new Treehouse Hotel in Manchester has decked out its rooms like actual treehouses; bird boxes adorn the walls and welcome notes thank guests for “climbing up” to their rooms. It feels a bit like what happened in the 1990s and 2000s in Las Vegas, when a new breed of hotels opened as theme parks where you could ride a gondola, gawp at the Eiffel Tower or watch a volcano erupt. The trouble is, families don’t end up gambling much, so most of those have now closed.
Will Cadbury’s new sweet treat go down well? Wispa it, but I reckon he’s onto something.
Go to madswans.com; cabins cost from £195 per night; golf is from £30 for a 12-hole round