I’ve found out something I shouldn’t know
SOLVING YOUR WORK-LIFE PROBLEMS
I’m paranoid about my husband’s relationships with other women. So I check his phone and Facebook when he’s in the shower, look for suspect messages from women. The other day I found one; a colleague had written something flirty about an office party. Should I confront him? Colleen, 32, private wealth
WELCOME to the conundrum of death: guilty behaviour leading to a discovery you can’t live with. The first thing you should do is recognise that you have some big issues to do with trust, maturity and integrity.
Once you’ve realised you’re going to need help – I suggest you get it in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy – you’re going to have to take the plunge. You can’t conceal your knowledge because it’ll drive you mad and ruin the marriage for sure.
Your only choice – before deciding if you have a marriage worth salvaging – is to plunge straight into it. Sit him down and recount what has happened as plainly as possible. Be clear that you know you shouldn’t be up to such things in the first place and that you’re going to get help to with your issues. But say that you found something you have no choice but to raise. Don’t accuse him – just tell him what you found. He’ll either confess, go into a rage, or convincingly persuade you that you interpreted the whole thing wrong.
If he does the latter, you’ll have to decide if you believe him. If he does the first, you’ll know what to do next. If the second; well, fair enough. But afterwards, it’s worth having a good and proper discussion. How much are your issues about your own insecurities and how much are founded on doubt about the relationship? What are your goals and are you both prepared to work towards them? A conversation like this is the only way your snooping can reach a positive conclusion. Fingers crossed.