Lord Sugar is back: Here’s what happened in the first episode of The Apprentice

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It’s that time of year again, when wannabe business people climb over one other to peddle knick knacks, design advertising campaigns and generally make cringe worthy TV, all in an effort to win the heart and cash of Lord Alan of Sugar.

Here’s happened in last night’s first episode:

Read more: Five things we learned from The Apprentice 2015 winner Joseph Valente

The candidates’ USPs were as awful as ever

You can guarantee some terrible lines from the candidates every season, but this year’s cohort seem to have taken theirs from a combination of dating profiles, celebrity autobiographies and the worst management books ever written.

“I’m the business equivalent of a diamond. I can sparkle and light up a room, but if you’re not careful I could cut you.” said the ridiculously named Dillon St Paul.

“My business acumen would be like a bouncing puppy,” added Rebecca Jeffery. “I’ve got loads of infectious giddy enthusiasm, and I’m going to make loads of money.”

Lord Sugar gave out his email address to candidates who wanted to complain about the process

Helpful Twitter users said emails to that account were bouncing back. Obviously, he’s not taking anything from moaners. Either that or he’s forgotten to renew his domain…

One candidate’s eyebrow(s) spoke a thousand words

​One memorable character was Karthik Nagesan, or “Big K”, the owner of an IT consultancy firm. In a comment that is The Apprentice in a nutshell, he called himself “the next billion dollar unicorn”.

Lord Sugar was really into the fact Oliver makes sausages for a living

He kept his head down during the task but Oliver Nohl-Oser, a sausage farmer from Wiltshire, already seems to be a favourite in the boardroom.

After learning the boys had named themselves Titans in the hope of emulating Greek gods (of business), he asked if that made Oliver “Porkos”, the god of sausages.

As usual, all of the candidates seemed terrible

No matter how many times they said “business acumen”, none of the new candidates instilled confidence. This task was pretty basic – selling antiques at a market and to dealers for profit – and they floundered badly.

As usual with The Apprentice, you wouldn’t want to have to work alongside any of them, let alone fund their business ideas.

The prize at the end was, well, rubbish

https://twitter.com/gracedent/status/784132029239689220

In the last series, winning teams trained with Mo Farah and enjoyed champagne receptions at the top of the Shard. So when the boys won the first task they were probably expecting something a bit more exciting than a swing dance lesson with some lindy hoppers.

Their faces said it all, really.

You might also like: Hardly any City folk want to work for Alan Sugar any more