Planet Crypto: Build your own FTX Advent calendar with Sam Bankman-Fried
Ho ho oh god. Seasons greetings from Sam Bankman-Fried and his Christmas-wrecking elves. Allegedly.
Those humour hawkers at Planet Crypto are hoping for some festive charity and goodwill as they walk the legal tightrope this week with a few Yuletide digs at the digital asset Grinch that is SBF.
Remember, it’s all just a bit fun. Allegedly…
With the holiday season upon us, and most crypto-enthusiasts having lost money this year after a series of calamitous crashes, Planet Crypto thought it might offer some money-saving suggestions to help you have a merry but cheap Christmas.
So we’ve drafted in Mr Thrifty himself – SBF scraping together his last $100,000 – to help with a build-your-own FTX Advent calendar.
First, you’ll need to make your calendar. It’s probably best to use cardboard… so why not take some of the cardboard that Sam Bankman-Fried and his fellow fraudsters executives now live under? Like the way he took money off all his customers. Allegedly.
Next, you’ll need to make twenty-four doors in your calendar, one for every day of Advent — and, coincidentally, the number of doors Sam Bankman-Fried wishes he’d had in his FTX office so he’d have had more of a chance of getting away from the authorities. Allegedly.
Now here comes the fun bit! Putting the tiny present-y things behind the doors. As this is an FTX themed calendar, maybe those things could include:
Some lawyers.
The police.
A furious and impoverished investor.
A furious and impoverished customer.
Your entire remaining fortune, which should easily be small enough to fit behind a tiny cardboard door.
Chocolates… which turn out to melt away as soon as you look at them.
Sweets… which you can’t get your hands on because the calendar’s assets have been frozen.
A psychiatrist who can explain why Sam Bankman-Fried is a sociopathic fraudster (allegedly) and treat you for the trauma SBF has caused you.
Nothing… to represent all the FTX investment you’re left with.
Some whisky miniatures. Because after what’s happened, you probably need a drink!
More nothing… to represent the amount of regulation the Bahamas imposed on FTX.
A packet of Prozac. Because after being ripped off, everyone needs cheering up on a chemical level.
A small phial of tears… because you’ve probably cried so much you’ve run out of your own.
A tiny picture of Sam Bankman-Fried.
Some darts to throw at the tiny picture of Sam Bankman-Fried.
Some matches to burn the tiny picture of Sam Bankman-Fried.
A pair of scissors to cut up the tiny picture of— oh, you get the idea.
Anyway, whatever you decide, the choice is yours!
And if you think that maybe those aren’t very cheery things to find behind the doors of an advent calendar, don’t worry: once you’ve finished opening them all it’ll be Christmas Day! That most joyous of occasions when a plump man comes down your chimney and… steals all your presents. Thanks, Santa Bankman-Fried!
Allegedly.