VEXED IN THE CITY
I’m fed up with my office pal taking out his temper on me
DEAR VEXED: There’s a guy at work in the same division as me. We’re on the same level as each other and joined the company at the same time. We get on brilliantly most of the time; laughing and joking, he even buys me snacks he knows I like, and the odd gift, on a whim. But sometimes he flies into a rage and has a massive go at me over something that is totally inappropriate, in front of everyone, as if he’s my boss and I’m royally screwed up. It happened again yesterday and it’s the last straw. I don’t know what to do though as we get along great the rest of the time.
Daphne, 32, wealth management
Remind me why you’re friends with this guy? I personally am not a fan of people with massive tempers, ready to flare at any moment. Tempers ruin any smiles and sweetness the rest of the time because they’re just lurking, ready to explode, and thus create an atmosphere of unease.
That’s just in the personal sphere. In an office, there is just no excuse I can think of for temper flare-ups. Sure, people get stressed and tensions rise, but that doesn’t excuse a tantrum. They damage morale, are always counterproductive, and in this case, profoundly unprofessional. He is damaging your career and your standing in the office simply by shooting off his mouth, whether or not you did wrong (and it sounds as though you didn’t). Because even being the object of a tantrum draws the wrong kind of attention. Evidently he feels that your close relationship gives him license to treat you this way, but repeatedly demeaning someone is bullying, pure and simple.
So, back to that friendship. Your view should be this: until he learns to clamp it in your presence, you certainly don’t need any of his cashew nuts or his teddies or whatever he buys you. What you need is a stable, non-harassing work environment.
It’s odd that he’s got away with this so far, since I assume others have noticed. But he has (I wonder if a woman could act out like him and get away with it) – and now it’s time for action. Start by sitting down with him and explaining how it makes you feel. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you’re prepared to take this higher if he continues – if he really is your friend, he’ll wake up to the fact that he’s bullying you. If nothing happens, discuss it with your manager or the HR department – make it official, and get witnesses. This is a matter to be escalated, not tolerated, and you should think about choosing a replacement buddy at work.