You don’t have to be psychopathic to work in the City… but it helps
The perfect CV? 60 per cent genius and 40 per cent psychopath, says author and former ‘Cityboy’ Geraint Anderson in today’s Notebook
Do psychopaths make better bankers?
When I was plying my trade in the Square Mile (1996-2008) there was a persistent rumour that Goldman Sachs sought recruits who’d ‘probably been bullied at school’. The theory was that these poor souls possessed the perfect combination of insecurity and a seething desire for revenge that would have them working every hour God sends to prove their teenage tormentors wrong.
I recently heard an even better rumour: that one investment bank was using psychologists to identify graduates with ‘psychopathic tendencies’ because they make better bankers.
Now, I’m not talking about the Hannibal Lecter variety – everyone knows those chaps end up in private equity. I’m referring to the high-functioning variety blessed with the more socially acceptable psychopathic traits: charm, self-confidence, fearlessness and a ruthless killer instinct (ideally confined to M&A negotiations rather than back alleys). Someone blessed with these qualities would undoubtedly make an outstanding investment banker. The only downside would be spending four hours at Wentworth’s 19th hole listening to them claiming they’d deliberately lost the front nine “to keep things interesting”.
Psychologists measure psychopathy using a 20-item checklist known as the PCL-R. Properly speaking, it should only be administered by a trained clinician. However, possessing exactly the sort of delusional self-confidence the test is designed to detect, I skimmed the Wikipedia page and marked my own test.
The results were disappointing. I scored just 8 out of 40. Given that the average American male scores four, while Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and, probably, Simon Cowell would likely score over 35, it turns out I’m only mildly psychopathic. This surely explains why I only managed to build the second highest-ranked equity team in London.
As for the team that finished first… let’s just say that their victory suddenly makes a lot more sense!
Tuchel’s perfect CV
Elite football and elite finance have certain key differences: one involves egotistical prima donnas performing a fairly pointless task for vast sums of money, and the other’s football. Still, the best leaders in both fields wouldn’t lose sleep whether they’re telling Phil Foden or an underperforming trader that their services were no longer required.
England have spent decades trying to be everyone’s friend and have earned three FIFA Fair Play awards but only one trophy. Perhaps World Cups, like major IPOs, are only ever won by managers who regard fair play as a tactical error?
The good news is that Gary Lineker recently described England manager Thomas Tuchel as “60 per cent genius and 40 per cent psychopath” which surely sounds like the ideal CV. If Gary’s right then maybe, just maybe, football’s coming home.
When will insurance get its own Cityboy?
Twenty years ago I lifted the lid on investment banking through an anonymous newspaper column, Cityboy, which I later turned into a memoir. Since then, lawyers, tax inspectors and just about every other profession have acquired their own insider exposé. These whistle-blowers play an important role in speaking truth to power.
Yet I can’t find a single equivalent from the insurance industry. So come on, you unhinged underwriters – step up to the plate! Surely there’s an amusing actuary sitting on the greatest tale of sex, drugs and… risk modelling ever told?
Back in my day
“Summertime and the lunching is boozy…” as Nina Simone almost sang.
For me summer in the City used to mean four-hour lunches, three bottles of claret, a post-prandial £2m handshake and only the vaguest recollection of how I’d found my way back to the office. Today, various ex-clients tell me it’s grilled chicken, sparkling water and comparing resting heart rates before rushing back for a Zoom call.
Undoubtedly healthier, but I’m not convinced anyone ever forged a lifelong business relationship over a protein bowl and kombucha. Progress is a wonderful thing… but I’m not convinced it’s as much fun.
There’s no I in team
I thought I’d written the world’s greatest work of satirical fiction… until I logged onto Linkedin: chancers announcing they’re “humbled” to receive an award they campaigned six months for or getting fired being rebranded as “the start of an incredible new chapter”. Hilarious stuff!
The true genius of Linkedin is that it’s the only place where narcissism and virtue signalling have merged into a recognised corporate skill. Indeed, its fake immodesty reminds me of my old boss’ catchphrase: “There’s no ‘I’ in team but there are five in ‘individual brilliance’.
BTW if you’re not tired of thinly disguised self-aggrandisement then feel free to connect with me on Linkedin. I promise not to try to sell you worthless crypto… well, at least not until we’re connected!
Geraint Anderson’s new book How to Con Friends and Manipulate People is out now