I want to break up, but we’re going away…
DEAR VEXED: I’m thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend but we’ve got a holiday booked in August. Should I wait to break up after the holiday or do it before and face the consequences? We paid quite a lot for it. Neil, distressed debt, 29
Afriend of mine was recently going through a bad patch with his girlfriend. “Bad timing, because we’ve got a holiday coming up and I just know it’ll be all lovely while we’re away and I’ll forget the issues,” he moaned to me.
The issue of what to do about the big fat chunk of time you booked together, when the idea of frolicking skimpily clad under the sun and spending two weeks just the two of you sounded like heaven on a stick, is one of the trickiest when times are tough. Deciding what to do is a balancing act of money, awkwardness and the potential for relationship-salvation.
August is a reasonable time away. You could get out of it now and maybe get some money back. Or one of you could go and take a friend instead (the polite thing would be to let that be her, especially as she’s the one who is going to be dumped).
Making the final decision all depends on how drastic you’re feeling. If the very thought of going away with your girlfriend makes you feel physically sick, you need to end it now and deal with the fallout. Why be miserable all summer when you could be single and free?
However, if you are more mixed about it, perhaps consider using the holiday as a make or break. After all, it takes two to tango and if you bring up your concerns beforehand, you can try to work them out while you’re away, without the stresses and distractions of the daily grind.
There’s one other reason to hold fire until after the holiday – it’s her holiday too, and it is an act of destruction to ruin it. If you’ve pooled all your resources into the trip of a lifetime and your girlfriend has been silly with excitement about the safari or whatever, maybe hold back and try to have a good time.
But to be fully realistic, I think a holiday full of private doubt is not going to be a happy one. If your girlfriend has a shred of intuition, it won’t be good for her either. And it’s a particularly unpleasant type of badness – a dark, deep malaise and anxiety that will kill any enjoyment of margaritas and pina coladas.
And the temptation might be to drink your way through it – this isn’t going to help either your relationship in the long term or your ability to see clearly. I’ve tried to be reasonable in my advice and not advise haste, but my gut tells me: get out now. It’ll be worth it.