Ranking Barbie movie merch from awful to making our skin crawl

We’ve ranked Barbie movie merch so you don’t have to…

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, life in plastic, it’s full of Barbie Ketchup, Barbie Crocs, Barbie Airbnbs, Barbie burgers and Barbie pasta. Is it fantastic?

At Morning Wire, we’ve ranked the most ridiculous Barbie movie merch we could find to let you know what’s worth buying and what’s worth swerving a million miles from, like Ken when he gets in his toxic masculine headspace in the Barbie movie.

Here you go, the best Barbie merch on the market. Thank us later.

Barbie popcorn

What is it? Proper Snacks has partnered with Warner Bros Pictures to launch a Barbie-themed snack pack around the launch of the Barbie movie. They’re claiming this is limited-edition sweet popcorn, but it’s just their normal popcorn served in a Barbie bag. If that tickles your fancy, it’s available at most supermarkets for £1.80 a bag. Buyers can scan a QR code to win a California trip, too, although let’s face it, you probably won’t.

Ridiculous ranking: 4/5. They say ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ but given the Barbie-fied exterior of this popcorn you would be forgiven for thinking that it has a special flavour – or even is coloured pink. But no, this is literally just your average sweet popcorn wrapped up in pink with the Barbie logo slapped on for good measure. I’m sure Barbie would choose sweet popcorn over salty, but she might be disappointed that there’s nothing particularly unique about the taste or presentation.

Read more: Barbie movie review: Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling shine, but what’s the point?

Barbie Crocs

What is it? Crocs have launched a Barbie collection including a pair of fuzzy-lined slides decorated with jibbitz charms.

Ridiculous ranking: 3/5. Aside from a couple of new designs, Crocs have blatantly just gathered up all their fuschia-toned footwear on a web page and said ‘hey presto, our Barbie collection’. Nice try Crocs. Considering Barbie’s affinity for pink and fashion, she might appreciate the colour scheme – and the glitz – of these Crocs. However, being a style icon, she may also find the marketing attempt gimmicky. As a lifelong Crocs devotee, I’d happily wear them, but Barbie’s taste might lean towards more elegant footwear options. Nonetheless, with Crocs’ current success, it’s easy to see why the Barbie collection could be a hit.

Barbie’s DreamHouse

What is it? Airbnb has listed a “revamped” version of Barbie’s Malibu DreamHouse, which blends a mixture of Barbie and Ken styles, in line with the Barbie movie release.

Ridiculous ranking: 5/5. Where to even begin here…is there such a thing as offensively pink? Maybe Barbie’s DreamHouse, which can reportedly be seen from high above Malibu, takes it to a whole new level. All in all a completely off the charts marketing ploy but I think Barbie would appreciate the commitment to the cause – although she might chuck Ken’s belongings off the balcony, Wild Child style. Would I stay? Definitely. A riotous time could be had here with some prosecco on that open air dancefloor. I am 100% on board with the adult’s slide – this should be a feature of more houses.

Read more: The hot pink Barbiemania sweeping London is a genius way to tap into our nostalgia

‘I am Kenough’ Hoodie 

What is it? Mattel have released a hoodie which reads ‘I am Kenough’ that was featured in the Barbie movie. The unisex pullover comes as part of a long line of similarly branded merch and is priced at £58. 

Ridiculous ranking: 2/5. This hoodie prompted a family member who goes by the same name as Barbie’s male sidekick to say: “I would rather stick a needle in my eye than wear one of these.” While tie-dye is not my style either, the bright colours may appeal to a younger clientele. As it appeared in the movie, it is unsurprising that Mattel have tried to capitalise on this success for its own sales. Barbie might love the Ken-inspired merch with his motivational motto, but I don’t remember seeing her wear this. She’s known for her impeccable style, and this hoodie could fall short of her fashion standards.

Barbie Ketchup

What is it? Pink coloured ketchup.

Ridiculous ranking: 2/5. I love how Heinz haven’t even tried to make it sound like this ketchup is anything vaguely interesting. Under a sub-heading on the product’s website asking ‘what’s unique?,’ a product description reads: “The sauce colouring and the odd and curious collaboration between Ketchup and Barbie.” So what is the odd and curious collaboration, then? Some pink dye?This’ll look good on the plate, but odd and curious? Pull the other one.

Burger King’s pink burgers

What is it? A pink beef burger to celebrate the Barbie movie. Feel sick yet?

Ridiculousness ranking: 5/5. Pink sweets I get. Barbie probably likes pink sweets, right? But burgers? I commend Burger King for how hilariously incongruous a Barbie burger feels. Haribo and other sweets play into historically sexist notions of the Barbie doll, that she’d probably like the things mainstream media tells us women like. But this barf-inducing burger frankly makes us feel a little queasy. Barfy Barbie: Now that’s the toy I wanna see. Brb, running to the loo.

Barbie pasta

What is it? Normal pasta that’s even the normal brown-grey shade but put in a packet that says ‘Barbie pasta.’ I despair.

Ridiculousness ranking: 4/5. This Barbie pasta is both plainly ridiculous and utterly ordinary. It’s a hard one because this product is essentially gaslighting us. It isn’t Barbie pasta, it’s pasta, in a sad bag with a sad little picture of Barbie on it wearing a sad little chef’s hat. Let’s face it: Barbie has had nothing to do with this. She never will do, and never has. Di Martini Farfalle pasta should be ashamed of itself. Or, if the profits are soaring, absolutely delighted.

The Barbie movie is available in cinemas now