The Capitalist: Feisty wonks, the Tooth Fairy and a CEO under citizen’s arrest
Wonks at the CPS get feisty, a CEO under citizen’s arrest and a scrimping Tooth Fairy; catch up on the latest City drama in this week’s edition of The Capitalist
CPS WONKS: HELL YES, WE’RE TOUGH ENOUGH
Kemi Badenoch was interrupted by demands to “banish billionaires” during her keynote speech at the Centre for Policy Studies’ Margaret Thatcher Conference this week. As one attendee remarked “What makes them think there are any billionaires left?”. Having held the audience in suspense for 15 minutes while tech support fiddled with her autocue, Badenoch dealt with the disruption with aplomb, saying that the incident proved why it was still important to honour Thatcher as the leader who “saved the country from that lot”. The intruders were swiftly tackled by CPS staff who, though more accustomed to studying graphs and drafting economic reports, declared themselves “tough on lefties, tough on the causes of lefties” while another said “we didn’t liberate the Falklands by letting women with little flags intimidate us”. With a Labour government that’s culling quangos and slashing welfare, the Capitalist is touched that some still think it’s worth protesting a conference on “remaking Conservatism”.
CEO UNDER (ATTEMPTED CITIZEN’S) ARREST
And if think tank wonks can become makeshift security, so can time-rich greenies. At least that was the attempt on Tuesday, when environmental campaigners besieged Thames Water’s head office in Reading to make a citizen’s arrest on the company’s CEO Chris Weston and CFO Alastair Cochran. The all-women group accused the water company’s top brass of five to seven counts of the offence of causing a public nuisance, including illegal discharge of sewage, mismanagement of customer funds and the operation of unsafe infrastructure. “It should be a crime to extort the public like this. If accountability isn’t going to be delivered by regulators and the government, then I feel it is my duty as a citizen to do this,” campaigner and citizen’s arrest attemptee Rachel Whyte said.
The vigilante manoeuvre allows a private citizen to detain someone suspected of committing an indictable offence under specific circumstances and with reasonable force, though it seems the course of events was all rather polite. According to reports, the vigilantes entered the lobby, presented their draft indictment papers at the front desk, requested Weston and Cochran come down to meet them, and notified the police themselves. Thames Water confirmed the police did attend, though only to request the group promptly leave the property.
LONELY LUNCHERS
People who share meals with others have higher levels of life satisfaction than those who dine alone, according to new research from UCL. That’s bad news for Brits (who on average share only seven of their 21 meals – four dinners and three lunches – each week) and even worse news for British office workers, four in five of whom say they eat their daily lunch alone. That simply won’t do – happy workers are productive workers, after all. The Capitalist reckons that’s ample reason to book in a long working lunch stat.
TAXING TIMES
The IFR Awards were this week, with the top bankers and capital markets gurus across the City congregating for a night of drinking and feasting. As with every year, the event was held in collaboration with Save the Children, with patron Princess Anne making an appearance at the awards. Unfortunately, the annual ‘tombstone’, where the big banks try to show off by donating as much cash as possible in only eight minutes, failed to match the highs of previous years. Less than £700,000 was raised for the charity, far below the over £1m from 2024 and below average for the awards. The Capitalist spies even heard grumbling that the low total might be a recession indicator…
TOOTH FAIRY ON COST-CUTTING DRIVE
And it’s not just bankers, even the Tooth Fairy is tightening her belt, according to new data which has revealed a startling dip in payouts. According to Axios, while a lost tooth would have banked a 6-12-year-old over $6 on average in 2023, they can now only rely on $5.01 per the latest figures. It’s an uncharacteristic drop, with tooth prices having risen steadily historically. The Capitalist advises teeth-shedding children to hold onto those molars until the market improves.